Leaving Shelter
by Shi-de-Bihu
Summary: All Sharon had wanted was to prove she could be as useful as everyone else, to show there was no reason to leave her behind. But why could things never turn out the way they were planned? Set after Retrace 44, spoilers up to this chapter.


Ever since reading retrace 44 I just couldn't get this idea out of my head. So I finally decided on simply getting it down.

Consequently the warning: Spoilers up to current manga-chapters.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything about Pandora Hearts.

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_**Leaving Shelter**_

_by Black Lizard

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An almost inaudible sigh escaped her lips as she looked down into the porcelain teacup in her hands. To any outsider she would have been an epitome of serenity, a young lady gently enjoying her cup of tea at the end of another busy day, and she had given no one reason to doubt that she was at ease. After all, who could not feel joyous and comfortable on such a splendid evening?

Everything might have appeared perfect were it not for those few, miniature details which betrayed her impassive figure. The fragile fingers closing around the cup a little too roughly to be relaxed, the back a little too straight and stiff for evening teatime outside alone, and most of all the fixed, thoughtful gaze which never strayed from the little cup, in spite of the wonderful scenery.

The setting sun on the horizon was bathing the balcony and her slender figure in a warm, orange light, yet went quite unnoticed by the lone girl. So did the gentle breeze ruffling her hair and dress, swaying the nearby trees in its own, silent rhythm.

On any other evening she would have enjoyed the beauty of it all, preferably in company, today however she could not spare but a mere glance at the quiet picture-book setting. As this was the only way she could describe the scene: A stage set up in order to hide a barren background, painted in beautiful colours to distract from the ugliness all around. Tonight she was the only player on this stage, though, wearing a fitting shallow mask to please all possible spectators.

While her fingers carefully traced the flower pattern on the cup her sight was lost on the purple eyes staring back at her from the surface of the warm liquid, the white around the irises tinted with an ugly shade of red by the tea inside, and even though the movement was scarce, the reflexion was still muddled by ripples on the surface.

Oddly Sharon found that image so much more honest than the perfect, smiling facade of composure she was wearing for the outside world. Still she would make sure her inner turmoil after the day's events did not show. If nobility's ways of masks and deceptions had an advantage in everyday life, then definitely that she had learnt how to keep hidden whatever emotion she did not wish to be seen.

"_Information that may point to the path you should follow."_

The tiniest hint of a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth while at the very same moment a familiar pressure behind her eyes made itself known. She took a deep breath to suppress both contradictory emotions equally. Her mindset was a mess, but what she needed the most was a clear head.

She knew she should be as happy as everyone else. Finally they had obtained a real lead concerning Glen Baskerville's soul-pieces and had a reasonable chance to prevent his resurrection. Not only that, but as Alice's memories were apparently strongly tied to the happenings at Sablier they were getting closer to the truth as well. She really should have been more contented.

How they had all been laughing on their way back from the sorcerer's mansion, when for the first time their burden had lightened. It was genuinely a heart-warming memory. Oz' radiant smile despite his tiredness, Alice's loud laughter and even Gilbert's rare smile. Thinking back she could recall her own happy voice as she had proclaimed on the ride home: "So tomorrow we will study the information further and then we'll take the next steps as quickly as possible!"

Upon the memory her reflexion's eyes saddened noticeably.

_Why cannot all actions to take be settled so easily?_, she mused, _why is there so much advice, but never for the situation it is actually needed for?_

No matter which path this information would point out at last, she knew that there was no manual to make her own decision easier. Her desire to move forward was as strong as ever and she knew that she would tread the upcoming course together with the others.

But when she had set out this morning she had intended to walk beside them with her head held high, however she had merely stumbled along and had brought more trouble than her presence had been worth. The look behind those eyes in front of her was the final proof that she had to admit to this at least in her personal silence.

Closing her eyes to escape the accusing stare she leaned back a little and fought back the anger she felt bubbling up inside of her. How she loathed that the others needed to come to her rescue again.

Why was she the one who always ended up in trouble? Why did she always turn out to be nothing but a nuisance?

Everyone did their share and although Alice could not fight in her human form, she never ended up in the precarious situations she herself did. Why did she seem to attract them?

Her grip tightened enough so that everyone could have seen the distress she was in, and in her rising anger she hardly cared. There was nobody around she could have directed it to as she usually did, so for once she had to sort it out with herself.

She was tired of hiding, of being saved, of the worried looks people threw her way. Especially if they came from the people who should have known better than to treat her like the little girl she looked like, but she no longer was. With today's actions she had wanted to prove so badly that she was all grown up and more than capable of taking care of herself.

All she had managed was to be saved _twice_ in a single day.

"_I want to be useful!"_

"_I am not a child anymore that requires constant care!"_

Those words had been said with so much confidence, as she had been sure she could be more than a burden to those around her. Nonetheless it had become all too evident that brave declarations were so much easier made than realised.

Courage was a marvellous thing, but regardless of how much of it she had, apparently it was never enough to reach the intended outcome. If she could just act as bold and determined as everyone else people had to recognize her for being equal in all other aspects as well. It was not confidence which she lacked, and while it seemed to work perfectly fine for Alice whatever she did herself simply went wrong.

She reopened her eyes and was greeted by the blurry picture of her hands around the cup. Only then did she notice how dangerously close to spilling her tears were and as she finally caught a glimpse of those eyes in the makeshift mirror, the image did nothing to console her. On the contrary, the urge to hit the teary-eyed girl looking back at her threatened to overcome her instantly.

At last she knew what everyone else saw in that person and her vain attempt to be strong. Duke Barma may be a despicable, selfish snake in her eyes, still he had left no doubt about the way he had regarded her furious outburst: The antics of an insignificant child. On any other occasion she could have consoled herself that this was only his opinion, the view of an old man who looked way too young for his years.

However she could not deny the truth any longer; the duke was not that different from the rest of all the self-centred nobles. So how could she expect that any of them would take her seriously when she would ultimately call for it?

Although hardly visible, the clattering sound of the cup as it lightly bumped against the saucer gave away the shaking of her hands. Once again she squeezed her eyes shut, this time to prevent the tears from truly overflowing.

"_Without the power of your chain you are just a weak little girl."_

How easily a single phrase of a complete stranger had knocked aside all her defences in the very end. She could have brushed aside all which had been said before. Yet in reminiscence it all came down to one conclusion.

Twice she had tried to stand her ground today following her heart's desire to show strength.

Twice she had been incompetent to defend herself.

Twice she had been called exactly what she did not want to be.

Twice someone had had to jump in to save her.

And worst of all: Once again others had gotten hurt in the process of protecting her.

Her shoulders slumped, the teacup was pushed away with a brisk movement and she clenched her fists in the folds of her dress, unable to keep the tears at bay any longer. She could not exactly tell which kind of tears she found herself crying. Tears of anger, tears of regret, tears of desperation. It did not matter anyway, because they would not change a thing or wash her fears away.

Her blurry gaze met the sunset for the first time as she turned her head towards the horizon. The way the light spread over the scenery was indeed a breathtaking sight since it left such a fitting red tinge to everything in its wake. Red like the blood which had been spilt too often for her sake.

She feared to be left out alone in the dark to wait and watch. She was tired of standing by, while those dear to her left her behind in order to keep her safe. There was only one fear still greater than the darkness: To watch those precious people get hurt while serving as her shield. As this blood was drawn solely by her own desires.

Motionless she watched the night fall over the estate, chasing away the sun's last bloodred reminders and replacing them with the black of the starless sky. She searched for the reflexion that was no longer there, and while she knew that she could not escape her fears forever, at last she realized that a little bit of darkness was less frightening than she had thought.


End file.
